1988-12-15 - Fall Orgo Night
College Library
[Band Marches in to Roar Lion Roar.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite a change of leadership the Cleverest Band in the World, the Most Incite-ful Band the World, the Columbia University Marching 16-13,
J. Christian Porwall - Thrown to the Lions
J. Adam J. Grais - Finally holding a position of authority
J. Lyle Zmskind Learning how to conduct
J. Liz Pleshette - Finally History
and J. Danforth Quayle {entire Band: Aaarrrrggghhhh!!!!!}
welcomes itself back to decrepit, musty, in need of renovation, but still iconoclastic soon-to-be-Lawrence A. Wein (he's dead you know) Library at Lawrence A. Wein University in the City of Donald Trump --- where the men are men and the women are checked out but long overdue --- and featuring Larry McElreavy on the bottle, on a trainer, and on the way out presents our 69th semi-annual drive to lower the curve and to break yet another record for the world's largest, simultaneous ORGO!
[Band plays Who Owns New York]
On the way into the Library tonight, the student working behind the reserve desk once again threatened to call security if the Band marched in and played. Considering the quick response of Security during the recent robberies in Furnald Grocery, the Ban d feels quite secure that we will be long gone before they arrive. Besides, they probably won't be able to find the Library anyway. Getting on with the show . . .
Reports are continuing to come in as a regarding the tragedy of last week. Rundown buildings continuing to crumble, terrified individuals letting out screams of agony, people running around with dazed and confused looks on their faces, and a corrupt and inept administration only making things worse, betraying a lack of sympathy, compassion, and understanding of the needs of the victims. Yes, that's right . . . Finals have arrived at Columbia. In recogition of the administration's cold hearted commitmen t to a faulty "Closed Door" policy, the Band now follows up on our own commitment by forming a collapsing, self-replicating rotating double helix and plays, for the estimated 70 to 100 thousandth time . . . I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band does this]
{Guitar Strum, Sung to tune of American Pie}
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how that CENTREX used to make me smile,
And I knew if I had my way,
I'd still have my answering machine today,
And then I could be happy when I dialed
But the ROLM lady made me shiver
With every message I'd deliver
Bad news came this fall
I couldn't get one more call
I can't remember if I cried
When I read that damn contraption's guide
But something touched me deep inside
The day the CENTREX died
(CHORUS)
And we were singing . . .
Bye, bye my old CENTREX phone line
Why the hell do we have ROLM when that old system was fine
For that amount of money at Lutece we could dine
Of the Apocolypse this must be a sign
Of the Apocolypse this must be a sign
The Band would like to continue by playing Don McLean's American Pie, but since we can't do that, we remember the CENTERX system by playing something equally appropriate . . . (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction!
[Band does this]
Just a show of hands, please, is anyone here in the C-Book? {short pause} No? Didn't think so.
Recently, it seems, the University chewed up the Big Mac as the Head Footbal Coach resigned amidst charges of alcoholism and adultery. When the charges were first made public the Band refused to believe them. After all, who would sleep with Larry McElre avy? When at the conclusion of the past season an evaluation of the football program was conducted, the players and Assistant Coaches told the Administration that the coach sucked, an allegation confirmed by a female trainer. "He really sucks," she was h eard to say, swallowing his pride in the process. Of course the report backed up the coach, after all it was prepared by none other than the Vice President for Academic Affairs. Never one to Mintz words, he stated emphatically that, after years of nothin g but defeat week in and week out, pacing up and down on the sidelines, moving in and out in the locker room, and getting nothing but booze from the fans in the stands, the coach had finally gotten the team over the hump and indeed had not yet been licke d. The coach decided to resign anyway, however, citing family pressures and pink elephants on College Walk. The Band recently approached Coach McElreavy to hear his side of the story, but just couldn't get him up off the floor of Canon's. In honor of the the Coach's fall into the ranks of the "drug addicted losers," the band now forms the the mess the Columbia Football Program is in and plays Wipeout!
[Band does this]
One final note for those of you studying for Organic Chemistry:
An ester is a combination of an alcohol and an acid
A molester is and ex-football coach at Columbia
A protester is someone who didn't get into a fraternity
And The Jester is just not funny
[Band marches out of the Library to the cheers of adulating fans while playing Roar Lion Roar.]